ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
