my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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