Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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