To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She told me I should be a condom model.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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