some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
