Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
