Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
