hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
