my phone needs a breathalizer
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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