Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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