Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
