I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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