i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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