My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
