Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
people are starting to question the shark bite story
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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