I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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