Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
