I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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