my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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