I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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