happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
