Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
