Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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