I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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