I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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