I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
