A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
