i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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