The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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