You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
