She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
