Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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