The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
