Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
