I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
