i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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