The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
