I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
