I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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