I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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