Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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