weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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