I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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