sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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