she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
