Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
