I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she peed on how many people?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
