I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
