I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
