look no pants
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
