Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
