it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Randomize
