Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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