I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
